He would claim ignorance when I spoke of “energy”, yet he held his back so completely, he seemed like an expert on the subject.
“I want You”, I’d say, which turned him on, but he never understood exactly what I meant.
He seemed to enjoy when I lavished my energy onto him, but never really completed the energetic cycle. He would always return to the Real World, and the Problems at Hand, almost immediately upon completion of our coupling.
One night I asked him outright for what he seemed to perceive as elusive and magical “energy”.
“I can’t think it makes that big of a difference,” he said, kissing my neck. “That “energy” stuff is all just woo-woo bullshit anyway.”
“OK,” I said, “I will line up my energy with yours. I will be as you are, and then you tell me.”
As he seduced me, I took my energy into my inner cave, my sanctuary; the place one goes when raped or repeatedly abused in some way.
It’s not a negative place- it’s a place of peace, of calm, of escape. It’s completely Private.
My body performed beautifully. My mind knew what he especially craved, doling it out in perfect rhythm. I did not hold back the physical at all. I was still passionate and enthusiastic. From the outside, nothing about me appeared different. My body responded faithfully, accepting a flood of endorphins as a reward. The Ultimate Relaxation followed.
As we lay breathless together, he was quiet in a new way. Restless. For all the activity and satisfaction we’d shared, his energy felt… rattled.
“You don’t like me very much, do you?” he finally asked.
“Why do you say that? I adore you. All I ever want is more of you.”
For the first time since we met I felt Him, his energy, reaching out to me.
“Then where are you? Where did you “go”?”, he asked. And then, after a moment, “I want You.”He was being present with me like never before.
“I’m right here,” I said, shining my energy back to him.
I felt his body relax and calm immediately. He moved closer to me.
“I want You”, he whispered, as he began to caress me again. “I want You too.” I whispered back.